The Unexpressed Diary-II

I’m completely thrilled to be here. For the first time I’m in a foreign place. As my feet touches its ground, I process my inner voice-saying million things. I swear I wasn’t able to make it out. A new country, new ambience, new people and far from home. All I could taste in its thick air was a bittersweet feeling that I had brought along with me. I was really glad that Beena was with me. I have known her since my early school days and only she is the comfort I can turn to, at least until I start opening up to people here. Thinking she’s having the same feeling as me I could only talk to her trying to avoid the tension building inside me. I have never felt the atmosphere burning my skin, it was melting me inside out. On the way to university I saw streets of Delhi in all its glory, it was an amazing view, different but warm and alive. On the way, we talk about university life, our hopes and dreams paint the picture before hand- of the place, of the future and the moments we create here and altogether a picture of ourselves in next five years.

Sep, 2017
4 PM
With the heat still on, I stepped in Sharda University. With a dream of being something in life I started to see my own reflection. A simple girl, scared in this new place, hoping to adjust fine, I console myself in my heart, “You’ve got this.” After I settled my luggage, I went through the registration procedure for my nursing course and finally with long hectic day I entered my hostel.
As normal day were passing one after the other, one day I was walking for my classes with Beena. A tall hulk-like guy, happy face and his hairs were perfectly long. He came near us and helloed Beena, then engaged in a warm conversation. Beena introduced us and I shook his hand. I then knew his name was Sagun. There was a feeling of truthiness that came along with his name, like how true an ocean can be.
In the evening, while I was going through my phone I got a friend request from the guy, Sagun. I was shocked and that made me think if I should accept his request or ignore, with mixed feelings cooking in my brain. I felt strange and with his name and the feeling it had brought me, I was flabbergasted. After a horrible experience with someone in past I had decided to ignore boys and not give them the freedom to treat me without respect but I accepted his request. I thought it wouldn’t hurt and also because of the positive energy I got from him today.
After some period of time He texted me –“HEY” and the conversation went on. We had normal conversation for some days and finally he asked to meet for an evening walk which I was ecstatic about.

7:22pm,
Outside hostel,
He came near me, waved Hi and smiled. The absolute aura oozing from him shook my spine. The conversation started with normal talks, he was frank and talkative, he even used to crack some of his funny jokes which made me burst into laughters. I had almost forgotten that people can be really funny. He had made me smile. In my heart I could still feel my own laughter and at the end he dropped me to my hostel. I felt like we have known each other for a long time and really I felt so happy spending time with him. I shared many talks with him which was rare for me to do. I thought –He was enough to drive a saint to madness and a king to his knees with laughter. Days were passing by normally but we talked on phone for hours, we used to share our daily chores and later meet in the evening. We both had introduced each other to our friend circle, and had a really great time with everyone.

Days passed by haltingly, I felt he was gently transitioning. I happened to realize he was caring about me progressively. Suddenly one sunny day, he expressed his feelings. I was unready, although I already had a grasp about his intentions and also, I was too scared for such entanglements and didn’t want to jump back into any kind of commitments again, my previous relationship had the worst ending and I had sworn to myself I would never be in a rapport anytime soon. So, I wistfully denied his proposal and told him I want to be your good friend.
As I expected he happily respected my decision. He was the one who had understood me from beginning. Although he left with a smile, he must have felt heart broken and did not have the courage to text me that night. The next day, early morning he texted me and apologized for the incident of the other day. I made him understand why I said so.
Our friendship started flourishing again or so I thought. I was realizing that we were not the same as before. I was trying to comprehend the situation. I used to hear that he was gregarious. That affability of his nature killed me from inside. It made me feel less exclusive. I could understand his frustrations. He used to call me at night asking me to come across the balcony so that he could take a quick glance off me. By this time I also reconciled all the past events. This made me fall for him but he started to show his frustration through words and they would gradually turn to words of anger. This change in him had me question myself once more.
We had a small group of common friends with whom we usually used to hangout, but slowly everyone got to know that I did not accept him. This made me conscious about it while meeting them and slowly I maintained distance from my friends. We used to have arguments about it every day, and next morning he used to apologize for it. One day we had an intense argument, his frustration of not getting me made him lose himself. He started to become more and more ruthless. He wasn’t what he used to be and it took him far from me, my feelings for him was totally flipped. I cried whole night thinking how empty I was becoming. Although we fought a lot, we still used to consider each other but after that moment everything was shattered.

Expectation has always been my reason for loss. Maybe he expected something different from me but that never happened. Finally, I took the strongest decision and kept a distance from him . Sometimes, I used to see him smoking but when he used to see me, he would drop the cigarette and leave. He knew that I didn’t like the concept of smoking.
I felt like a balloon. Looking bright and cheerful, but empty with a void. I was left alone and didn’t like mingling with others.
As days were passing by, I got to know a good friend of his. We talked since few months and knew each other but I never took it so seriously. He also had a relatable past like me. Both empty from inside. Me, the ever running water in the river going around heavy rocks and sometimes caught in my own whirlpool, with him I felt like I finally reached the ocean surrounded by beautiful islands, they were the islands of magic that would heal me and bring me heavenly ecstasy. He felt the same way and we were together, creating islands together. My ventricles were happy with him but my atriums were scared thinking about Sagun’s response regarding my concrete decision.

Aug 2018
Sagun came back from Nepal. I saw him in college, his presence caused an earthquake inside me. I also came to hear something surprising, an extrovertly extrovert guy has changed and is staying away from all of his colleagues, somewhere far, silent and in a distant place, lost in his own world. A guy who used to make others laugh, crack nonsense jokes was sad and lonely with no courage even to meet his dearest friend. 
When I used to see him , he used to turn away but I couldn’t resist to look at his innocent face. All those frozen memories used to melt in my temporal lobe. Seeing him lonely and changed, I hated myself? One corner of my heart had a guilty feeling. He was really someone who made everyone together and was loved by everyone, but after that even everyone got disintegrated from the group. I felt like the storm scraping the roof of a house disturbing the spirits from the vessel where they were stably intact. Sometimes we know that we cannot change the situation but we cannot make our heart understand. It keeps aching.

Sorry Sagun, I wished you had given us some time to know each other better but I guess, it wasn’t meant to be in this holy universe. You did bring me some comfort which I will be cherishing from time to time. It’s too late now to continue from where we left. “Sometimes you just have to smile, pretend everything’s okay, hold back the tears, and just walk away!”
And now Sagun is not coming back,“Some people are going to leave, but that’s not the end of your story. That’s the end of their part in your story.” Everyone says you can learn from the past and those learnings can help you create better stories in future. After all, the best way to predict future is to create it yourself. It might take some time and effort but eventually you will find yourself in the future where you won’t regret anything. Life ends with all the memorable days and the regrets stays only in my Unexpressed Diary, sealed forever.

Based on Fiction.
P.S. “One day, we might wake up from our sleep and realize that we have lost the moon while counting the stars.Then we go for a voyage to search for the moon.”
Story by:
Sagar Dahal
Editors:
Templar (SBR)
Ayush

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