Beauty from the Pain

I have read thousands of stories where love was the centre of the universe, but I never really believed in that universe until I met her, and in a moment out of my conscience she became the one. It was almost magical to know the existence of that eternal time. We never choose whom we fall for, it’s out of our self-control. Love is a feeling which is expressed without any confinement. It transcends from being conditional to unselfishly unconditional, but what if the person whom you love was meant only for a bat of an eye?

It happened in my life when I was in the 3rd year of my undergraduate degree. A mediocre guy who follows moral values, hangouts with minute number of friends and his life was just one normal day after another, that is exactly what I would think about myself and nothing more or nothing less. One day, I was returning to my hostel after gym and saw someone standing near my spot. She seemed to be waiting for someone or something, busy on her mobile phone with stressed brows. She was in a black dress, with a focused gaze I could see her eyes and they were the beautiful kind of grey. And in her tanned skin, God! They felt so hypnotic. I was there, waiting for my cab as always and after few minutes of thinking about the person nearest to me, it arrives. I snapped out of the beautiful view and was about to hop in. Someone tapped my shoulder and it was the same view only more beautiful, she said “Excuse Me! Sorry, I didn’t meant to impose myself on you but I need to get somewhere, I’m already running late. My ride got cancelled. Please, can I share the cab with you?“. I was quite baffled because it was completely out of my dimentional reality, but after a jiffy of processing it in my tiny head, I muffled “Sure, I don’t mind.” We both got in the back seat and I added her location and on our way, we chatted about ourselves with frequent surveillance of the chaffeur. After a while, I learnt that she goes to my university and we connected through Instagram. Finally, her destination arrived, by thanking me with a sweet gesture she left. I had an ambiguous feeling about that incident and I was not sure if it was a love at first sight but I got a hint of what it might be. Nervously, I texted her on Instagram to which she responded, then we gradually started talking over phone, sometimes we used to meet after the class and everything was fine between us until one day when I realized that maybe I’m falling for her. I was trying to understand my euphoric feelings. It was being impossible for me to not fall for her. Sometimes things are inevitable, and all we can do is move with the clock. It is indeed scary to be in such a situation, just that this time I was flabbergasted.

When I was ready to accept her turning me down in the worst case scenario, even though I didn’t let that possibility play in my thoughts for too long. With great audacity, I decided to express myself. One beautiful day when the sky felt clearer than ever, I told myself today is the day and called to meet her. We walked, and we talked and laughed like all the joy in the world was present in that moment and it felt as if it was the true spirit of reality. It was thrilling to hear her reply to my sudden question. After that, though her silence felt like a whole year time, I did not complain. I had asked her “Do you think we can be together? not just as friends but more?” She broke her silence by asking me to revert to what I had just asked her. When I replied positively she said we rode on the same boat. I was overjoyed to perceive it and ready to leap out of my skin, I hugged her. Thereafter, we started to hangout more often, we even went for a trip to Shimla with her friends for couple of days. Those were probably the happiest times of my life. Moments created at Shimla are still the junctures which I reminisce to this day.

One night when we were enjoying our dinner at a delicatessen and she fancied for a drink! Then we decided to get some magic liquid (liquor). After couple of drinks and talking, she whispered out of my imagination that she had fantasized to make out in public and she wanted to go out right at that time. It was totally out of my comfort zone. I never had a cloud while with her until my anxiety about people was dragged in. For an instance, I thought she’s just messing with me because she knew that I’m very shy and didn’t have enough guts to tongue wrestle in public.I laughed because I found it hilarious, and decided to make her stop drinking! I blustered, “It’s getting late, we should better be going now“. We got a cab, after sometime she asked the  driver to pull over at a park. The park was half of people from all ages most probably relaxing after their supper. She said she wanted to stroll around for a while so we were walking and talking about useless stuff when she abruptly stopped and pulled herself towards me and kissed me out of the blue. I wasn’t joyous so I pushed her and asked her to behave, her eyes told she didn’t care and she tried to kiss me again and I pushed her seriously this time and I left. For the first time, she resembled vanishing fire and it was the red after the fire. I never thought that she’ll react like this, I waited for her inside the cab and she messaged me after few minutes that she’s already left. I felt bad, I shouldn’t have reacted like that so I did apologize to her. She replied: “I got home. I’m sleepy!!!”
Next day I got her text which read “Let us end our relation” and that was the most unanticipated thing that I ever heard till this day. I tried to ring her but she probably ignored , I started to play the puzzle as in where did things went wrong. Was I the fool who made a mistake? Why did I fall so deep in love? I went to her hostel and texted her, I waited for her till late night but she didn’t even appear. That moment was so heartbreaking, it made me realize that you can’t force someone to love you. “I’m probably going to be alone for the rest of my life“, this was my first thought that popped in my consciousness and I decided to let it go. A broken heart is what changes you completely and trust me it came to be true. That incident drastically changed me. Her memories slowly started to neutralize with time. One day I was waiting for the elevator in the University, I saw her silhouette from the sun rays. She was in a white t-shirt and blue jeans, with her hair like waves of the ocean bay, the grey in her eyes were as dark and melancholy as the ashes of my broken heart, she was walking towards me with a smile, and I decided to walk away but she called out my name “Krishh” and asked me to have a conversation. My left side of the brain wanted to ignore and move but the other half was asking my own questions. It was like I got played, I confronted her “Why did you start to ignore my existence?”, she replied, “You act like a juvenile infant. You are fragile like glass. You are too good but I never thought that you will be ashamed of me and my deisre.” I quickly answered without much thought “What are you talking about?” She said that night when I refused to kiss her and pushed her away from me she had realized that we’re not meant to be together, and  she told me that she is dating someone else now. Things are not going marvelous between us but we are elated.  I figured that she never loved me like I had loved her because if she did she would have tried to make things work out for us. She chose to walk away. I told  her the reason, why I behaved that way and how hard it was for me to forget everything and move on. She offered me to be friends with her and I furiously refused. Walking alone is not difficult but when we have walked a mile worth a thousand years with someone then coming back alone, is what is difficult, and that day I realized I couldn’t make a clap with her hence I thought being friends was just a formality that was unnecessary at that point in time.

I’ve completely forgotten how it feels to be loved and embraced because it was never there. What I came across was a beautiful illusion of time and fate. Its true, Heartbreak is a blessing indeed, it helps you to grow and turn into a better person. Sometimes your eyes are not the only place the tears fall from. In my case the truth was I never moved on, I just decided to love her beauty and was even ready to suffer the pain but from a distance.

Based on true story. Character names has been replaced.

Story by:
Saurav
Editors:
Templar (SBR)
Ayush

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